Remember the time you fell in love? The excitement, passion, romance, lust? You could talk for hours and not get tired.
Now it’s been 3 months, 3 years, or even 3 decades. You may like your partner, have love for your partner, you enjoy their company, you are even great friends but you just don’t have that deep intimacy with your partner anymore. Your once upon a time passionate lovemaking sessions are been replaced now by dull nights in front of the TV.
Deep intimacy is an essential ingredient for nurturance, growth, connectedness, and feeling loved in a healthy relationship.
The World Values Survey by the Pew Research Center reveals that within a year of marriage…
Saying ‘I love you’ drops by 44%
Shared physical affection drops by 39%
Many couples lose their intimacy when they have children. They can become so absorbed with being good parents that they lose themselves.
So First Know What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy means deeply connecting to someone in all levels — physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Intimacy means to speak the truth when it’s easier to hide and express your emotions even when you feel vulnerable how the other person may react.
Intimacy Is Much Needed
We are hard-wired as humans for love and connection. Intimacy makes you feel happier. It activates and release the whopping set of ‘happy’ neurotransmitters in your body: oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. It is simply good for your health!
It brightens up your mood and makes you live longer. A simple gesture of intimacy like cuddling makes you feel appreciated, connected, trusting, and deeply bonded with your partner.
What Kills Intimacy?
Technology is one of the top bad guys. Keep your phone out of the bedroom. Seriously.According to a recent survey, 4 in 10 millennial consider their cell phone more helpful than their partner. Whoa!
Here is a little trick you can try. Agree with your partner to silence your cell phones when you come home, drop them in a box and leave them off for at least an hour when you are together.
Another big offender is betrayal, and cheating. Cheating is not just physical cheating, but can also be emotional cheating, or online cheating. It can be lying about finances, not standing up for your partner, giving away secrets of your partner.
There are several other masked behavior patterns that crushes intimacy like stonewalling, manipulating, avoiding, being dismissive, overly critical, condescending and close minded attitude towards your partner.
Spark Back Intimacy in Your Relationship
Can we recapture intimacy? Yes!
1. What are your excuses?
“You cannot be great at career and relationship both. Choose one.”
“I don’t have enough time”
“Children kill romance”
“Six years itch is real”…and blah blah blah…
Which one is your excuse? Do a reality check and challenge your own excuses.
2. Master Your Emotions To Master Your Intimacy
Feel your emotions. If you cannot connect to your own emotions, you cannot connect to someone else’s emotions. You start a conflict inside that soon becomes a conflict outside. Listen to my meditation of Emotional Mastery to connect to your emotions and make them work positively for you.
3. Put in Intimacy – For Yourself
You have to believe that you are worth being with. When you believe you are desirable and lovable, you become desirable and lovable. Heal your emotions of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. Give yourself permission to be yourself even if that includes a range of emotions.
4. Be Interested, Not Interesting
Be conscious of your partner’s needs: physical, mental and emotional. Take 30 minutes out every week to have a deep conversation with your partner about your mutual needs, emotions and wants. Be honest. Even if you want to say ‘I need you to kiss me when you come home’
5. Create Mystery
Mystery and surprise mimic the emotional state of a new romance. Mystery ignites passion. It makes intimacy alluring, compelling, I don’t mean that you must surprise your partner with a 5 star holiday in the Mediterranean. Small moments like shooting a thoughtful text at coffee break is enough to create the fuzzy sensation of a new romance.
6. Flirt And Flatter
Bring back fun, fantasy, desire into your relationship. It’s easy to get lazy when you have been with the same partner for a while. Dress up. Plan a date night even though you are sharing the same bed for some time. Complement each other. Go to new places to restart the butterflies again.
7. Kick Up The Adrenaline
Studies shows that adrenaline increases attraction. Get your hearts racing together with bungee jumping, hiking, going on a water ride anything new and adventurous that brings you two closer.
8. Touch More Often
Touch creates the feelings of safety, connection, comfort. Hold hands on a walk, sit closer while watching a movie, give a hug or kiss daily to remind you that you’re bonded.
9. Let’s Talk If You Need It
If you feel your emotional relationship is heading downward, reach out for help. You may have grown apart, hurt each other unknowingly, avoided intimacy for private reason, or become overwhelmed by the demands of life. These problems can often be resolved with sincere attention, time, and willingness to commit.